Page Two: Little Kitty Needs A Home

 

Looking out my window at the beautiful sunrise with my special blend of homemade cappuccino coffee; I contemplated yesterday’s message left by my ex, Kevin. So many mix emotions and memories come to mind and heart. I hate that for the most part I thought I forgave, but at times I resent ever crossing paths with him. As I stand in the window, tears roll down my face as I begin to remember the worst of times and then I whisper, “God, it still hurts. Please help me. I do not want to feel like this anymore. Please help me.” As I stand gazing out the window, I see an abandon cat walking and I said to myself, “I know exactly how you feel little kitty! I have been abandoned too and I would really like for someone to feed and love on me too.” I then decided to go in the kitchen and warm some milk in a bowl and I set it outside my door. As I walked over to check my mailbox, I hear my next door neighbor, Ms. Savannah greet me with a smile and hello. I forced myself to return the smile as I waved back and replied, “Good Morning”.  I sped up my walkway to return into my home before a conversation between us two was able to present itself. I quickly shut my door with a sign of relief, “Whoo, I am glad I got out of that one. Please forgive me Lord, I just can not entertain conversation at this time.”

“Meow, Meow, Meow”, I hear. I turn and walk towards my door as I look out my window, it is the little kitty drinking the milk. I decided to open the door to let her in. “Hey little kitty! You wanna come in?” She walked in and I grabbed the bowl of milk I set outside. “I am Ruth, what is your name?” She just stares back and forth at me as she licks her fur.  “Great!” I thought. “I have resorted to talking to a cat that I know can not talk back.” “OMG!” “Let’s see here, you do not have a collar, so I do not know who you belong to.” As I walked towards my breakfast nook, the little kitty followed me. I sat down to begin sorting through my mail and she starts roaming the kitchen. I say aloud, “I see you know how to make yourself at home little kitty”. “Well, go right ahead, everyone should have a home to go to and someone to love.” As I sorted through the mail, I had an envelope address to me from Kevin. I screamed out loud, “Are You Serious Right Now?” “Huh, Lord why me?” Why now?” “Please just leave me alone”. It was an 8 x 11 envelope and it felt like something was in it. My eager curiosity led me to open it and it was a cd with a written letter. “Huh, not again”. I knew this was major when Kevin sends me a cd with a written letter. I remember his memorizing vocals that always seemed to put my heart at ease.  I knew the emotional rollercoaster had begun, but I was determined to fight against it.

I pulled out my phone to schedule an appointment online right away with my  Life & Relationship Empowerment Coach, Samantha. I know I needed professional back up before I read the letter and listened to the c.d. The soonest she had an appointment was this coming Friday around 3:00 p.m. so I booked it without hesitation. I could not help but notice the scent of his cologne on the written letter. The cologne I introduced him to and bought him on his birthday, Valentine’s day and Christmas. He made sure to include a gift card to my favorite wellness spa, SUIPStyle.com Wellness Lounge. I acknowledged out loud, “He made sure to try to communicate to all my senses with this one.” “Huh, Samantha, I need you now, I thought.” “But I am going to have to call Chanel for now.” So I picked up the phone and rang one of my closest and most responsible girlfriends, Chanel. “Hey Nelly, it’s your girl Ruth” please return my call. I need to speak with you ASAP! He contacted me girl!”

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Page One: His Redemptive Message  

 

And God told me, “It was all part of the plan” as I was journaling and reminiscing about past decisions that ended up in heartache and periodic regret  I ask myself, “Why did I?” and “How was I suppose to know?” The resounding guilt attached to “Why did I?” became overwhelming to me during times like this that I felt the long-term effects of what has now revealed itself as a beautiful mess after I thought it was a prayer answered.  The results of my own understanding derived from deceitful desires misleading my heart away from what I truly desired the most; which was a peaceful and enjoyable life.

How was I supposed to know that the man who told me, he was going to be the best boyfriend I ever had, was not prepared to be my husband when he asked me to be his wife? How was I suppose to recognize the problematic signs within the early parts of our relationship was behavioral issues  rooted deep within that it would take the wisdom of God to resolve the unresolved issues that would be the little foxes that spoiled true love? How was I supposed to know that what I thought was true love was never really true at all? How was I suppose to know that when a  man tells me he loves me, does not mean he understands how to love me in sickness and health for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer until death does us part? How was I suppose to know the rules of engagement when dating let alone accepting a marriage proposal if no one ever taught me how to properly engage with a man who acted like a gentleman, who prayed like a Godly man, who worked like an intelligent man,  who spent time with His family like a family man and who claimed me like a man loves a woman; did not have enough love to sustain us because He did not have enough love to sustain himself?  How was I supposed to know his unresolved issues would become my new found issues of my heart? How was I suppose to know that just because he knew how to be kind and well-mannered did not mean he knew how to be a husband? How was I supposed to know my truth was so twisted that my answered prayer would end in my beautiful mess? How was I supposed to know that God is not the only one who answers prayers? How was I suppose to know the rules of engagement if no one ever taught me?” As I sat there and closed my journal tears slowly rolled down my face as I heard my phone ring. By the time I reached over to pick up the phone and answer the call, it went to voicemail. As I dialed to listen to the message, it was he who caused me so much pain saying, “Hey Ruth, I know it has been awhile but I wanted to reach out and apologize. Will you please return my call?”

As I listened to the message, I found it quite uncanny that during my moment of heartfelt anguish, the very person who helped me get here would contact me after so long to apologize. What made him think I needed his apology? What made him think I wanted his apology? What made him think I was open to hearing his voice? What made him think in the first place? Doesn’t he understand his thinking is what gets him and those who trust him in trouble? What did he think his apology would heal without the proper resolution needed to cure long-term consequences? To me an apology without proper resolution is a waste of time and strong evidence that your apologetic words without proper resolution is like faith without works…..dead! What made him think I would want to enter his emotional roller coaster of an apology that desired to take my will, desires and emotions up and down and all around before I would find my power to get off his ride?  What made him think at all?

 

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